You first…

Love..such a silly little big word. Used and often faded.

It has become so easy to go from appreciation to love, towards someone or something. You know that strong feeling you get that makes your world go round? Yes, we have plenty to give when it comes to outsiders. But what about that huge pile of love we owe to ourselves?

I came accross this thought when I started building myself back after a horrible waste of a relationship . Was it abusive ?Yes. Physically? Thank God ,no. Emotionally? Hell Yes. But today I don’t blame he who was once my significant other ;I thank him.

I was 15 when our relationship started, and it lasted 6 years. I was absorbed by the idea that we were building something real. I was so focused on this scenery that I forgot about what I wanted, so his needs were always fulfilled. I accepted the blame when I was not guilty. I folded my wings under his because i did not want to disappoint.

And guess what? As hard as I was trying to be a good girlfriend, as hard he was making up excuses to blame me for not doing enough ,and finally leave me.

I felt so empty. It was like i did not exist inside my own body. So much space he invaded in my mind, my heart, my body. He occupied a lot of space in “Me”. Then again, I accepted the blame. “Well, you did make him unhappy. He deserves better” ,I said to myself as I sunk into depression.

… It’s really the moment you actually aknowledge other people’s impressions of you…their awareness of your presence and how important you are to them that you start questioning your worth. And you wonder “how..?” , because someone who got the best of you at the time could not appreciate you .And here they were, the others of your surroundings , being so nice to you that you end up saying “It was not me..”

Depression made me wonder what my people liked so much about me. I had to see it. And every time I came up with an answer, I would appreciate each “ingredient” that made me , me. Then, I started taking care of myself , for I had been neglected for so long in the name of someone who was not even worth it. I changed my hairstyle , treated myself whenever I could, tried to expand the gifts I had. All of this to give myself a perfect balance , and be proud of who I am and of what I am. If you can’t accept yourself the way God sent you , who will..? “I praise You, for i am fearfully and wonderfully made .Ps139:14 ” See that word ? “WONDERFULLY”.

All of this to say that this is a task that each and everyone of us must do. Learn to love ourselves. It’s learning to be your own best friend. Doing that will create a feeling of being worthy and belonging, ang bring such harmony inside you ,that you get to stay whole no matter what.

If you don’t have that basic feeling for yourself, there is no way you can understand how it truly works when someone else is included. It has to start inside you; that process of transfering deep appreciation onto someone has to go through you . You must have, in order to share. Have love for you first.

So remember, before being all over someone or something or even begging to be loved back, love yourself. Nobody deserves more affection from you than yourself.

It’s you. Always will be You first!

🌸Miss P.Ahn🌸

Ig: @PiouAhn94

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