Scared to love

Hi, I’m a 30 something woman and I’m scared to love.

That’s sad I know. But it took me many years and couple of failed relationships to realize that, and I’m just starting to make peace with it.

I’ve had about 5 boyfriends, yet I’ve never been in love with them. Did I love them? Well, if I’m being honest with myself I just liked them a lot, a little too much. But now I’m sure it wasn’t love.

As a teenager my feelings for my boyfriends were based on whatever they would say to make me feel good and whatever they would do to make me feel special.For these boys, It was more about them flaunting and showing their friends they were doing better than them, and for me it was the attention that I was getting from my girlfriends.

Outside of these special occasions of Love Demonstration, I did not care much. I was (still am) a beautiful girl, all boys wanted to get with me. So I would pick and choose and Would play them like a deck of cards. All of them, my boyfriend included, will do any and everything to make me happy.

This lasted through my late teen years. When I turned 19, I started to want a stable relationship. I was opened to welcome love but each and everyone of the young men I was interested wanted to be in a relationship just because it will garanty them sex on a regular basis. One of my boyfriend litteraly wanted a sex doll, we never went out nor watched a movie. It was School, his bed, school, his bed again or his couch or his kitchen counter, and Home. This was on repeat.

The one after him wanted the status of being in a relationship with a girl who had a fairly good reputation so he could please his mom. He was a mama’s boy and only when with his family I experienced a loving boyfriend. Other times I had to look for his attention. He didnt care for mine.He used to flirt with other girls while with me and soon enough I was being disrepected by those girls in public.

Then, I fell for this older men, things were going well, we spent couple of years together. But he was also going around having sex with many girls. After he would drop me home he would go to one of his side chicks for more fun. According to him there are things you only experiment with a side chick not your girlfriend/wife. He wanted to justify his cheating by our age difference. It was only 5 years.

Then I had another relationship, with not so much to complain. We were steady and stable, spent quality time together, traveled, hung out with friends and family. Until one day he said he needed space to find himself and see if this relationship was what he really wanted. After almost 4 years together!

This was the last one. I’ve been hurt too many times and did not want a boyfriend anymore. I decided I was only getting with men for my sexual pleasure nothing else. It worked for a while, I had that one booty call who was on the same page as me. However, today after couple of months I am desiring commitment.

Why do I always end up with these men who cheat, are selfish and narcisistic? What in me attracts them? Why don’t I go for other type of men?

I’m realizing the men I’ve been with are just like the men in my life: my dad, brothers and cousins have been treating women just like my boyfriends have been treating me. I guess I dont know any better.

Through all my boyfriends misfortune, I’Ve always managed not to get too hurt. What I mean is I’ve always kept a certain dettachment to the outcome of these relationships just in case something would go wrong. I was pre-conditionned for my man to cheat on me and my reaction was already planned. In the back of my mind I was not expecting commitment or even to be fully loved. I had seen many couples around me and did not want to be like these miserable women crying and depressing because their man left them. My heart ached for them, and I didnt want to be them.

But now that I’m looking at the picture with more consciousness, I think I just dont know how to love. Before recently I’ve never once thought about loving myself. I was just there living, following a routine. I’ve realized that preparing my mind for a cheating man, and not expecting to be loved the way I really want to be love was a sign of low self-estime. How did I manage to convince myself I was not worthy of a man’s love and fidelity?

I know I’m scared to fully engage in a relationship (but I still want one); I’m scared to fall in love with someone who is going to end up hurting me; I’m scared to put my walls down and being abused; I’m scared of people laughing and pointing at me because I’m being cheated on routinely without even knowing; I’m scared of letting someone In and have them mock me or use my fears and secrets against me; I’m scared of being let down; I’m scared of not being good enough; I’m scared to be left broken and alone; I’m scared of the shame that comes with failed relationships… I’m just scared…

Why am I so scared? I’m not sure….Maybe I just dont know how to love myself…Maybe thats why I only attract jerks…. Maybe I’m the problem…

See I know I should love myself. I know I should State my worth and not allow for someone to decide on my value based on their own reality. I know I deserve honesty, loyalty and trust. I know I deserve love… but how do I welcome all that in my life?


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