Today reality hit me! It could be my last day alone, my last day without a child, my last day without an individual depending on me to survive…
Let me explain: I know my body has been housing my baby for the past 9 months, but still there have been this barrier, the fact that she is not physically there for me to see her and touch her… not hearing her cries nor tending to her needs… this is another cycle ending… and it feels different.
This new chapter is coming with a lot of questions. It got me questioning my entire existence. For the 1st time in 9 months I’m scared. Scared to bring this new life on earth. Scared to teach my beliefs and convictions to an innocent soul. Scared to not be enough. Scared.
Fact is I am Alone in that! ALONE! Yes I have the best support system there is to have. No doubt, but this experience right here is between Her and I. No one else. Not a single soul can feel or experience it. I believe Only mothers do, and its only with their own child. Thus, the experience is unique and different for each mother.
Honestly, I am struggling to put words on my feelings right now. I have this tightness on my chest just thinking about the changes that are coming, and as if baby pineapple could hear my thoughts she is gently reminding me of her near arrival with her movements in my belly right now…
the only things I can promise us is that:
- I’ll love you unconditionally
- I’ll always be there for you
- I’ll always protect you
- I’ll always respect you
- I’ll always believe in you
- I’ll always talk and listen to you
- I’ll always do my best to make and keep you happy
- I’ll always do my best to be patient with you
- I’ll dream with you
- I’ll support your passions
- I’ll dance with you
- I’ll show you how to have fun
- I’ll pray with you
- I’ll teach you to be kind and loving
- I’ll show you how to be a good human
- I’ll show you the importance of discipline, sacrifice and work
- I’ll let you embrace your emotions and feelings
- I’ll teach you to be vulnerable
- I’ll let you be YOU and embrace your personality
It is not my intention to make you a spoiled brat nor incapacitate you or allow you to do as you please. The plan is to raise you to become a smart, kindhearted independent daughter while giving you the freedom to express yourself and become who you are meant to be, and also giving you the tools to experience the not so positive realities of this life: Unkindness, selfishness, imperfection, mistakes, doubt, lacks, failure and so many more….. I also know I’m about to learn a lot from you and I’m ready.
All this is to say: I got you baby girl. Even when everything goes wrong Mommy will be right here for you.
In the meantime, keep partying in mommy’s tummy! I’ll See you soon!
I love you Pineapple!
To my readers: Anpil Lanmou pou nou!